who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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