it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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