I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
