I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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