He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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