It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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