In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
