What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
