Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
