i think i have two assholes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
