By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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