I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
