Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
