Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
