i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
