Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
