Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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