You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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