If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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