He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
