Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
