I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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