totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
