my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
