I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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