Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
