It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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