And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
