my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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