Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
