I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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