I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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