I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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