He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
