Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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