I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
