well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
