I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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