EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
