I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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