Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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