Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.