I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
