I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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