He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
