Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
don't judge my taste in strippers
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
