"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
