I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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