Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.