I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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