There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
