you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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