Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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