Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
