you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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