I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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