Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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