You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
