there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
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you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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