you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
